I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
