i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
So I just went to clothing optional bar
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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