The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Randomize
