I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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