I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
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