well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
