Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Randomize
