I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
