That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
