We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
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