I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
