Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
