Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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