Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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