My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
