if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
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