I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
