They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
