i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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