Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
