All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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