my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize
