Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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