I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Mom said you looked used
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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