So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
