Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
