i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
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