he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
My Sexting was not on an AP level
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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