If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
