PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Randomize
