I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
