When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
