If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
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