last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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