so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
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