My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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