I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Randomize
