FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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