Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Text me some of your sweat
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
