I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
