you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
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