I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Randomize
