Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Randomize
