I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
