i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
