the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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