we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
Randomize
