I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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