we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
