Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
